Soul of Hitler: Good evening.
Soul of Pinochet: Adolph, before we present tonight's final award, I must say I loved your work in Poland in the 1940's. Just magnificent.
Hell's audience: (Standing ovation)
Soul of Hitler: (Touching heart) Thank you all so much. Please, please sit down. I only wish that the Bundeswehr had had as much enthusaism.
Hell's audience: (Laughter)
Soul of Pinochet: Haha. Good one. Well, without further ado, the nominees for The Best Armed Conflict of 2006 are:
The continued insurgencies by Marxists in India and Nepal (video clip of dead people along roadside); the seperatist insurgencies in Sri Lanka and Thailand (video clip of beheaded Buddhist monks).
Soul of Hitler: The usual ethnic bloodshed in the resource-rich nations of Africa (video clip of child soldiers and refugees); the genocide in Darfur (video clip of a rape of one woman by 5 janjaweed).
Soul of Pinochet: The U.S. led wars in Iraq and Afghanistan (video clip of blindfolded and cuffed Sunnis and Shiites with bullet holes in the back of their heads); the Israeli-Hezbollah War (video clip of a burning Beirut and hysteria in Haifa); and finally, the suprise late entry, the war between Ethiopia and Somalia (video clip of the professional Ethiopian army mowing down waves of teenage Somali Islamists).
Soul of Hitler: And the winner is (Opens envelop. Dramatic pause.). Unglaublich! The genocide in Darfur. Accepting this award is Mohammed Yusef Jihad, the latest janjaweed militia member killed by Sudanese rebels 11 minutes ago.
Soul of Jihad: Wow! Words can't explain how I feel. I definitely wasn't expecting this...I mean, all of the other nominees were so deserving. Um...well...I guess first I have to thank Allah and his prophet Mohammed. I also need to thank President Bashir and all the leadership in Khartoum for providing us aircover as we laid waste to women and children...I also want to thank the leadership in Moscow and Beijing for their support on the UN Security Council. Thanks, fellas!
Hellspawn Orchestra: (begins to play music)
Soul of Jihad: I guess that's my cue. Real quickly, thanks to my dad and 4 wives. Also, sons, it's late and I hope you're in bed by now and not watching this. Thanks again!
Soul of Judas: (enters stage right) Thanks to everyone tonight. I had an incredible time hosting the Imp Awards for the 2006th straight time. We've had an amazing year. Ares' thirst for bloodshed was certainly sated, and Lucifer added plenty of new souls to his coffers. Hopefully I'll see you all at the Vanity Fair afterparty! Good night!